Relationships

People are traveling across geographical, national, and cultural boundaries at a quick pace. For many, establishing relationships with persons different from ourselves can be challenging and rewarding.

While communication scholars debate the efficacy of researching intercultural relationships and the problems that might result, the assumption of this book is that relationships do develop, and even a faulty framework is a good place to start. Please remember that each intercultural relationship will differ based on the cultures and people involved. The following is a brief exploration of relationship types and will begin to help you understand the communication aspects of intercultural relationships.

Friendships

Friendship is a unique and important type of interpersonal relationship that constitutes a significant portion of a person's social life from early childhood all the way through to late adulthood. Friendship is distinguished from other types of relationships by its "voluntary" nature. In other words, friendship occurs when individuals are relatively free from obligatory ties, duties, and other expectations (Fischer). One can begin or end a friendship as desired.

Notions about friendship are a function of variations in values as well as individualism and collectivism. People who tend to be individualistic often view friendship as a voluntary decision that is more spontaneous and focused on individual goals that might be gained by befriending a particular person. Such goals might include practicing language skills or learning to cook culinary specialties. On the other hand, collectivists may have more obligatory views of friendship. They may see it as a long-term obligation that involves mutual gain such as help with gaining a visa or somewhere to stay during vacations.

The idea of what constitutes a friendship certainly varies from culture to culture. In the United States, the term "friend" is a broad term that applies to many different kinds of relationships. In Eastern European countries, for example, the term "friend" is used in a much narrower context. What many cultures in the world consider a "friend," an American would consider a "close friend". Americans often form relationships quickly, and can come across as informal, forward, intrusive, and superficial. Asian cultures place more emphasis on indirect communication patterns and more stress on maintaining social relationships, sincerity, and spirituality.

Despite the differences in emphasis, research also shows that the overall definition of a close friend is somewhat similar across all cultures. A close friend is thought of as someone who is helpful and nonjudgmental, who you enjoy spending time with but can also be independent, and who shares similar interests and personality traits.

Intercultural friendship can be difficult to initiate, develop, and maintain, but that is not to say that different cultures cannot have similar views on friendship. Various cultures can value the same things, such as honesty and trustworthiness, but simply prioritize them differently. Researchers have found a wide range of important friendship variables such as values, interest, personality traits, network patterns, communication styles, cultural knowledge, relational competence, and intergroup attitudes that impact intercultural friendship formation.

When friendships cross nationalities, it may be necessary to invest more time in common understanding, due to language barriers. With sufficient motivation and language skills, communication exchanges through self-disclosure can help relationship formation. Research has shown that individuals from different countries in intercultural friendships differ in terms of the topics and depth of self-disclosure, but that as the friendship progresses, self-disclosure increases in depth and breadth.

Further, as people overcome initial challenges to initiating an intercultural friendship, and move toward mutual self-disclosure, the relationship becomes more intimate, which helps friends work through and move beyond their cultural differences to focus on maintaining their relationship. In this sense, intercultural friendships can be just as strong and enduring as other friendships.

However, despite self-disclosure being one of the most important factors in the development of close friendships, not much is known about how people communicate and use self-disclosure during the course of developing intercultural friendships, and little has been done to investigate the cultural aspects of self-disclosure. Barnlund argues that self-disclosure is a western concept and traditional Japanese friendships seldom involve intimate self-disclosure.

Intriguing research from Sias et al. indicate that cultural differences can enhance, rather than hinder, friendship development. Cultural differences enhanced friendship development because the participants found those differences interesting and exciting. Those who overcame the challenges of language differences were able to develop rich friendships often with a unique vocabulary that included words created from a mixture of both languages. An example of this could be "Spanglish" which is a mixture of Spanish and English or "Chinglish" which is a mixture of Chinese and English. This idiosyncratic language seemed to strengthen the bond between the friends.

Romantic Relationships

There are also similarities and differences between how romantic relationships are perceived in different cultures. When two various cultures come together, there may be significant challenges they have to face, but it is important to remember that like any relationship, intercultural romantic relationships are all different. In general, romantic relationships are "voluntary," and most cultures stress the importance of openness, mutual involvement, shared nonverbal meanings, and relationship assessment.

Individualism and collectivism play a role in romantic relationships as well. In individualistic cultures such as the United States, togetherness is important if it doesn't interfere too much with one's individual autonomy. Physical attraction, passion, and love are often initiators of romantic relationships in individualistic cultures. Being open, talking things out, and retaining a sense of self are maintenance strategies.

Collectivistic cultures often value acceptance and "fitting in" as the most important values for romantic partners. Family approval can make or break a romantic relationship in a collectivistic culture. Family members are expected to align with, and support, the dominant values, beliefs, and behavioral expectations of the family hierarchy. Individual happiness is important but thought only to be fully realized within the family system.

Intercultural marriages and romantic relationships are growing at an increasing rate. What once might have seemed unusual, or exotic is becoming more accepted and common place. Although finding an intercultural love relationship might be getting easier but negotiating through the unique challenges inherent to these relationships can still be difficult.

Romantic Relationship Conflict Styles

Romano found four distinct romantic relationship conflict styles that reflect how intercultural couples negotiate their way through the differences.

• The submission style is the most common and involves one partner abdicating power to the other partner's culture or cultural preferences. Sometimes the submission style is only seen as a display for the public, whereas the relationship may be more balanced in private. Even though it is the most popular style, this approach rarely works because submission often involves denying certain aspects of one's own culture.
• Although the compromise style might seem to be the most desirable, it really means that both people must sacrifice some aspect of their life. Each partner gives up some culturally bound habit or value to accommodate the other. Game theorists would call this a lose-lose or no-win situation.
• Some couples will try the obliteration style. In this case, both partners try to erase or obliterate their original cultures and create a new "culture" with new beliefs, values, and behaviors. This can be extremely difficult and create problems with other family members, and this option is only more likely if the couple lives in country that is "home" to neither of them.
• The ideal solution is the consensus style. As it is based on negotiation and mutual agreement, neither person must assume that they must abandon their own culture. This style is related to compromise because of the give-and-take, but it is not a trade-off. Game theorists call this a win-win proposition.

In a survey on intercultural marriages, couples were asked to respond about the positives and negatives of intercultural marriage. This survey resulted in four cautions to be considered during intercultural conflict.

• First, know each other's culture. Don't think that all families and all cultures operate in a certain way.
• Second, be accountable. There is a tendency not to listen to others. Weigh their concerns.
• Third, know what both cultures value. There is a tendency to value things, but people should be of primary concern.
• And last, identify adaptation versus core value changes. Be aware of the differences between behavior modification or adaptation and core value changes.

Gay and Lesbian Relationships

There has been much more research done on heterosexual or cisgender intercultural friendships and romantic relationships than gay or same-sex intercultural relationships. Romantic relationships are influenced by society and culture, and still today some people face discrimination based on who they love.

Although there are many similarities between gay and cisgender relationships, Martin and Nakayama believe that such relationships differ in at least four areas. These areas include the importance of close friendships, conflict management, intimacy, and the role of sexuality. Close relationships and friendships might be more important to gays and lesbians who often rely on these ties in the face of social stigma, family ostracism, and discrimination. Researchers Gottman and Levenson have found some positive differences around conflict management for gay and lesbian couples in the areas of equality and discussion patterns. Hopefully, intercultural researchers will have more to report on this important topic in the future.